Rahr’s Sunday Match truly began the day prior during Saturday practice at our beloved St. Andrews Superdome. Despite less than ideal field conditions, which is pretty much everyday, Jake Bailey (A.K.A Coach Barley) arranged a friendly between FC Rahr and Rahr United.  This “Friendly” as it turns out, was code-named “Operation Beat-Down”. It involved Rahr United and likely some undisclosed performance enhancing substance – the outcome was devastating.

 

An FC Rahr player speaking on the condition of anonymity about the practice (whose name also rhymes with Tony Sanchez) said, “Man that was the worst beating of my life, I will cry myself to sleep tonight…unless you buy a membership to LA Fitness.”

 

It is thought that this genius practice by Coach Barley led to Sunday’s run-a-way victory.  Others however, credited the work of Ethan DeNolf – who self proclaimed the match “My Goal Symposium”. A one armed man in the stands, who only counts with his fingers, comments on Ethan’s work, “He scored more goals than I have fingers...”

 

In goal, O dominated and kept all but a few lucky strikes away from the net. Thanks to our fantastic defense O was able to enjoy about 89 minutes of his favorite past time; which is drinking cappuccino whilst making tiny origami swans.  When asked about a near goal that came from a break-away O had this to say, “I was in the middle of swan #4, finishing the wings, which are the hardest part, when I saw the break-away. I was startled and took time to hide the unfinished swan, which is why I was late to the ball and had to karate chop that guy.” Makes sense.

 

All involved brought glory to the Rahr name and the Barley coaching dynasty.

FC Rahr came out of the gate slowly during their first match of the season.  The off season addition of so many new players always presents a challenge to a young team.  While FC Rahr’s upgrades on defense paid dividends immediately the offense was a little slow to get rolling.  As voiced by Chief Bailey at halftime “the key to this game was getting Matt off the field and unleashing Clayton to perform a riveting ping-ping-pong jazz number up the side line.”  After a few near misses by FC Rahr the game settled back into an even match played between the eighteens.  Panther City was nursing a 1-0 lead well into the second half before building an insurmountable 2-0 lead.  “Our enthusiasm for the match palled” said one unnamed source, who refused to be identified for fear of retaliation, because he used the word palled in a sentence.  As so many had given up hope one man rose again to seize his destiny.  Walter “Kiss Kiss” Barazza finished the match with two goals and a red card officially, but unofficial records credit him with three goals, an assist, and a possible call back from the ref.  Nicely done sir, in an era when so many players are neither a lover nor a fighter you are both.   

It was a tale of two halves.  The first half belonging to our opponent.  PIM SC scored a goal in the 44th minute off of a free kick.  This concludes the first half.

 

The second half began with a landmark achievement.  Tony Sanchez was the youngest player in the world to record his 1,000,000th nut meg.  When asked about this amazing accomplishment Mr. Sanchez said "Funny story.  My first meg was actually on myself."  The AP is reporting that Guinness officials are checking into whether self megs count.  Despite the controversy, Tony has decided to retire his trademark offensive move and start a new count with defensive nut megs.  After Tony stabilized the defense, FC Rahr put the offensive into overdrive. 

 

Walter Barraza put the team on his shoulders and single handedly created several offensive thrusts into the defense.  After receiving a Baltenspergeresque quality pass from Kyle Wilber, near the corner of the box, Walter used his manic moves to beat the defender on the end line.  The defender committed a penalty that was later pleaded out in court as 3rd degree felony manslaughter.  As the referee pointed to the spot one man knew it was his time to fulfill a life long prophecy.  With raucous support from his team, fans, family, and perhaps someone up above, Jake Bailey took one step toward his destiny.  Mr. Bailey went on to bury the equalizer.  When asked after the game about his mental preparation Jake gave full credit to Brandi Chastain's "It's not about the Bra" (an in depth look at women's competitive soccer) which he can fluently recite from.  In addition, he credited the 37,000 hours of PK shooting that he and O put in when no one else shows up to practice.  Jake also left this message for his fans "to all the little Rahr maniacs out there, take your vitamins and say your prayers." 

 

In a related story, the AP is reporting that FIFA has pressured FC Rahr into implementing random drug testing.  This after the super human performance of Walter Barraza drew suspicions in last Monday's contest.  Mr. Barraza's comments after the game included "I'll take a test anytime you wanna give it."

 

Contributed by Matt Baltensperger and Chris Lockwood

FC Rahr knew that Monday night's match was going to be a heated battle against the Spurs and expected to test their talent.  As the team took the field, they looked to have a fire in their step that just might give them an edge in the final tally.  Each team created various chances throughout the first half.  Kyle Wilbur stuck his nose in on a cross and created a scramble in the box that resulted with a ball sailing over an empty net.  On the other end of the field, the Spurs saw numerous opportunities only to be turned away by the newly added Neo Begovic in net.  At half, the score was 0-0.

 

The second half would prove to be a whole different game as FC Rahr started to wear thin.  The Spurs netted a ball within a minute of the kickoff.  To make things worse, Rahr lost their only back up keeper around the 52nd minute.  Later evaluation would show that Neo Begovic broke his fibula on the play.  After that, it all went down hill as the onslaught began.  The final result was a brutal 7-0 loss for FC Rahr.

 

It's unfortunate that the score line does not reflect the effort given by Rahr in the match.  The team held strong, and fought hard for most of the match.  There is no doubt they can compete in this league and hope to finish the season with 3 strong win!

After last week's addition to the loss column, FC Rahr felt the sweet taste of victory again, as they won 8-1 over the Dillos.  It seems like a clean sheet is just out of the team's reach as they have managed to give up a goal in each of their victories.

 

Chris Lockwood opened the scoring on basically an empty net, which, in his defense required an immense amount of skill to put it on frame.  Jake Bailey capped the scoring with an incredible Messi-like finish, off of a Stefan Schuessler cross.  Sandwiched in between, the team saw goals from Baltensperger, Golovich, Sanchez, Golovich, Chio, and Golovich in that order.

 

Unfortunately, FC Rahr suffered a major loss to their roster as Ogewu Agbese will most likely be out for the remainder of the season.  "O" originally injured his hip a few weeks ago, but continued to play on it for a couple of games.  As a result, he has been given orders to stay off of the field for until he has healed.

 

We will miss you O, especially in our next game against the Spurs!  Get back out there soon!!